Fatin Izzati

 Today, I saw myself.  My younger self. She was hiding under a small cave -- or a table that looked like cave.  It was a perfect fit for her, as if it was made for her to hide-- or she made it herself to hide.  My 23 year old self smiled at her and coaxed her out. And I gave her the warmest, longest, most heartfelt hug.  One she didn't get in her 5 years of life. One I've never get in my entire life.  I told her,  "Don't worry, I'll take care of you. We don't need anyone else. And I'm sorry, I fucked up so many times it hurt both of us." She returned the hug, with the same warmth, the same length and the same heart. She said,  "I don't need protecting. Neither do you. Go, explore the world with your heart. You never know where you'll end up at if you don't take the first step. People are only people. You can rely on them as much as you can rely on yourself. Don't punish yourself. Take small steps forward, and don't come back. I...

You never knew you're in a comfort zone until you're forced out of it, thrown out onto the streets, evicted.  Having to force to grow up since at a very young age is difficult because my inner kid did not get the chance to play, did not get picked for a round of lompat tikus. But when I reached the age, no one plays it anymore, everyone goes to school, everyone expects you to go to school too.  I paraded to everyone when I said, "yeah, I leap a year." but now I feel like I'm too late for everything, at the same time I feel like I missed out on everything. I should have taken that one year to play with my Barbie dolls, take that one year to run around and make a mess, take that one year to kiss my parents more.  Was I too young to see other adults struggling to make ends meet? Or were my parents too good in hiding their sufferings? I have believed for a long time that they have had it easier, but now I am not so sure. However way they led their life, it should not ...

Seperti semua yang keluar dari bibir tua itu mengganggu otak aku. Ada saja yang aku buat ini tak kena, ada saja ingin disangkal, dibantah, dibetah. Kenapa tidak terima seadanya?  Kata orang mempersoal itu banyak jenisnya, ada yang betul untuk tahu jawapannya, ada yang ingin lagak bijak, ada juga yang sengaja ingin sakitkan hati yang disoal. Seringkali yang terakhir ditujukan pada aku.  Aku ini orang asingkah yang dia ingin sakitkan begini? Aku ini tidak berhargakah? Atau mungkin ini persiapan untuk aku hadapi dunia luar? Mungkin ini cara dia berkata "Nak, di luar sana lagi ramai yang akan menyakiti hatimu. Biar aku sakitkanmu sekarang jadi nanti kau sudah lali"?  Apa pun sebabnya, natijahnya tetap sama: jiwa tetap kacau, hati tetap meracau.  Dan seringkali aku persoalkan, mana pergi pelindung aku yang terjadinya aku darinya? Kenapa selalu biarkan aku berlawan sendirian? Kenapa hanya lihat dari kerusi penonton paling depan berhadapan pentas? Kenapa tidak ditentang ber...

I have decided that I will put this blog to good use. By writing about books, I believe that it might actually motivate, not just for me to write but to read as well. Let's not let me dwell on how much I missed leisure reading and writing, (I might make one whole post for that) and get right into it. Book #1 -- I Am Malala. This book have been on my shelves for a number of years. I did start reading it when I first bought it but it was a bit too heavy for teen me, so I put it back onto the shelf with other stacked of unread books. Now that I am mature enough (I believe), and I have finally felt that I need to educate myself more on real pressing issues, I started reading the book again. Of course, I am late by 7 years (as it was published on 2013) but whatever has written in the book is still considered as history and if we don't learn from history, we would repeat them. So what I gained from the book are a little bit of history of how Pakistan came into being, what's...

"Weh, I finally finished reading Wuthering Heights. Now onto another book comprising of short stories from local authors. It's surpising and refreshing to see how talented our local authors!" Ali exclaimed, excited that she had finally picking up books again after years of drowning in the abyss of social media blinding bliss. "Really? Nak after!" it seems old habits die hard, especially when you are brought up in an SBP for 5 years -- Juna said.  "Oh, which book you want to after? Wuthering Heights?" "Nak buku pasal kau lah, boleh baca kau." Juna replied with a slight quirk etched at the corner of his lips. Ali wouldn't know this because this conversation was exchanged via text, but she believed he would have smirked while saying it.  Everyone should have their own book about them. So people get to find their favorite genre, skim through, read the synopsis and decide if the book is of their liking, if the person is of thei...

Ini adalah entri pertama aku buat blog aku yang entah ke-berapa sebabnya aku asyik tulis dan padam. Mulanya, rasa lebih elok untuk padamkan semua itu sebab blog-blog tersebut mengandungi pelbagai memori silam yang sungguh ingin ku lupakan tetapi selepas dah dipadam secara kekal, rasa menyesal pula. Terasa juga ingin membaca semula apa yang dituliskan oleh pra-matang Fatin Izzati yang baharu nak berjinak dengan kehidupan. Bukanlah nak cakap aku sekarang sudah 100% matang tetapi tak dapat nak tipulah kalau apa yang telah aku lalui selama 21 kehidupan telah sedikit sebanyak mematangkan aku. Jadi, hari ini, aku tak nak menulis panjang pun. I just want to get the feels, you know? Dan, Ya Allah, nostalgia sungguh, menulis jam 3 pagi sambil lagu-lagu indie bermain di corong pembesar suara komputer riba, walaupun dulu aku tak pakai komputer riba tapi curi-curi pakai PC dekat tingkat bawah siap dengan modem wifi yang berlampu biru berkerdip-kerdip apabila mengesan signal yang kuat. Sungguh, a...